9 September 2017

Once again the summer is drawing to a close and once again I’m coming to the end of a long, hot few months in the Middle Kingdom. Tomorrow sees Blighty loom large as the Family Hough returns to the UK.

Our last week in Liuzhou has seen us get heavily involved in saying goodbyes. So that’s meant a fair few (very nice) dinners, plus (on Thursday night) a bit of karaoke.

The Karaoke Phenomenon

Now, singing has never been my forte. Indeed, I have made it my business to studiously avoid the microphone as and when ‘karaoke nights’ have been on the agenda in the UK. The world’s simply not ready for it.

That, however, is not really an option in China. Karaoke is national pastime (much as it is in Japan) and karaoke bars (particularly those run by the ubiquitous ‘KTV’) are everywhere. There are dozens and dozens in each and every mid-range city (like Liuzhou). Strictly speaking, they aren’t bars in the western sense, it’s more a case that you hire a room and you and your friends/family (insert name of relevant group of choice there) fill your boots.

Most of the KTV places are surprisingly big – I’ve no idea how many rooms there are at the place we were at on Thursday, but I’d guess at least 30. These enterprises aren’t small. They also pride themselves on covering everything the discerning Chinese guest might want. For OAPs such as my mother-in-law there is a wide array of Chinese opera on offer. If you’re not up to speed with that then, well, do go and watch one if every you’re in China. You won’t understand a word, but you’ll definitely witness a whole new cultural world.

For kids, meanwhile, there’s plenty to keep them happy. Old Macdonald has his farm for you to sing about, for example, whilst there is (from what I can tell) a version of more or less anything any Chinese child will ever have seen on the gogglebox.

Come what may, my instinctive allergic reaction to karaoke inevitably cut no ice with our friends. They booked a room (replete with drinks and food, obviously) and we dived in. My initial hope was that despite the mass of Chinese songs on offer there’d be no nothing available in English; no chance. There was every song ever written in English ever. No way out.

Blank space duly filled

So, in for a penny in for a pound, I found myself with microphone in hand and Taylor Swift looking out of the monumental screen right at me. I am not totally sure how such a development came about, but no matter. It did.

Whether Taylor should be made aware of my rendition of ‘Shake it Off’ is another matter. I’d like to think it had style, grace and no small amount panache. Indeed, I thought the mini-skirt that I put on for the occasion went marvellously with my eyes (ok, let’s be clear that that didn’t actually happen, before any rumours start circulating … ). But maybe we should nonetheless agree that what goes on at KTV stays at KTV. It could be for the best for all concerned.

Food in abundance

When we’ve not been karaoking this last week we’ve generally been eating. Food plays a prominent role in Chinese culture at the best of times, but that’s even more the case when people are soon to be leaving. So, given that Ying has a large extended family it was no surprise at all that we had a big family gathering at a posh restaurant in the city centre on Friday evening.

Now, these sorts of things intrigue me. Firstly, in terms of the food itself, in the West I generally tend to think that the more expensive the food is, the greater the excuse to give the paying punter a small portion. And in my book that sort of behaviour is rarely to be condoned. It certainly would be treated with the utmost scorn in much of China. In my experience there is generally enough food to feed the five thousand.

But, before you start worrying about all that food going to waste, fret ye not. The doggy bag is not just alive and well, it is totally the done thing. In fact, people deliberately order way too much (of what they assume will be good) food so that they can take it home and eat it for the rest of the week. It’s sort of like a takeaway service only you eat half your takeaway in the restaurant beforehand.

There is, however, very much an etiquette involved in who takes what home. Basically, whoever paid for the meal either (1) takes everything or (2) more frequently allots certain things to certain people. That sounds like a social-setting nightmare to me, but somehow it works. “Arthur likes duck, he can have the leftovers there” whereas “Joanie has a soft spot for the tofu, that’s all hers”. Perhaps there are arguments. But I haven’t really noticed any. Not sure whether that’d always be the case in the UK, mind …

Finally on the food front there is indeed the issue of who pays. The notion of going Dutch gets little purchase in China. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever seen people who haven’t been to the West go down that route. Even if 20 people are involved, someone – usually whoever organised the meal – will take it upon themselves to pay for it all. And they’ll be pleased to do it. So much so that if anyone else even suggests paying there is likely to be an ‘incident’. Indeed, on a number of occasions I’ve seen otherwise very sensible people all but come to fisty-cuffs over who is settling the bill.

Why? Well, it’s all about saving (or showing) face. You want to look generous. You want to look like you care about everyone else. You also want to show you can afford to do it. To be honest, much as I try to be culturally sensitive (I do, honest!), I think it’s generally a load of hogwash. Like the bloke who buys a big car just to show off to everyone that he has a big car. So I find it weirdly amusing watching people bicker over who settles the bill. Guys, don’t be so daft, please.

Adios

But, there we go. As ever, China has been very good to me. As a foreigner much remains confusing and at times contradictory, but you’re always welcome and there are always things going on that are generally fascinating. If ever you get the chance to have a look yourself, do give the place a go.

In the meantime, thanks for taking the time to read this far. Let’s meet up for a beer/brew when I’m back.